Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i deserve an alcoholiday

   still waiting for dane cook to makr a joke about tragedy

   Stop complaing about "humor" if you have nothing to contribute.

   Luckily, this pretty, single girl has me for a neighbor. My 24 hour surveillance is keeping all the pervs away…

   Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide?

   The best thing a guy can do with a woman who thinks he's stuck on her... is move on to the next one.

   I dont talk to strangers because they might do something awful... like sell me something!

   if he or she cheats on him or her with you than he or she is going to cheat on you .

   I'm not afraid that the world is going to end.... I'm afraid that it isn't going to change....

   Well, in happier news, I was shocked to step from of the shower and find out I was out of deodorant---so I smeared a magazine sample of Old Spice "night life" under my arms until I get to the store...Macgyver ain't got nothin on me!

   Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn't!", he in fact did.

   Ten years from now, one of the hardest challenges our kids will face will be finding a username that's still available.

   If I'm ever on life support unplug me,, and then plug me back in again,, and see if that works.

   The words synonym and antonym are antonyms.. Well played, antonym......... Well played

   I'm atheist. Swear to god.

   There's a knock at my door. Jehovah's Witness. I decided to let him in. I go, "Now what?" He says, "I dunno...I never got this far."

   While on toilet seats ..... I am sure lot of marriages could have been saved ... If only they had invented a device which dries and wipes the toilet seat automatically after use

   If a man aspires towards a righteous life, his first act of abstinence is from being a douchebag.

   Happiness; you have to chase it around, but misery that b itch waits for us around every corner.

   Being unattractive is just playing the dating game on hard mode.