Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There aren't choking warning labels on condoms but they have them on water balloons?

   Farts are like secrets to me because I never keep them to myself.

   The designated driver's most important job is making sure no one gets any tattoos!

   My nipples don't understand that I am going to a decent place.

   I was being all sexy n shi t but you blinked and you missed it

   When you bang a fat girl you have to hold her belly up like a broken garage door

   You lost me at eye contact.

   Kristin Stewart doesn't look bored to me. She looks just like all the girls I have sex with.

   Great first it was the Movie theater early this yr, then the Mall random shootings, no its kids at the elementary level...... Can we put praying back in school now?

   There is no more horrible death than the one of a poor tree that ends up being a Twilight book.

   Maybe if you had a perfect attendance record in school as you do in the club your life would be better off.

   Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it's annoying when I'm trying to drive.

   The school shooting happened at Sandy Hook Elementary? Sandy is officially the worst name of 2012.

   God got kicked out of our schools and the devil walked right on in......

   Never take for granite what you have. No matter how naughty they are, appreciate they are healthy and alive. Pray for those touched by this tragedy. I can't even imagine.

   Thanks iPhone autocorrect, I'm sure my dad wanted to know that I miss going on our weekend fisting trips. Fml

   Just paid 2 dollars in quarters to put air in my tire... This inflation is out of control.

   Hey know what's more fun than a baby who has just learned to take off his own diaper?.......... everything...........everything is more fun than that

   That moment when you spend 20 minutes making all the christmas lights work, then putting them nicely along the ceiling, then stand back to look at the beautiful setup up.. Plug them in... And BAM, they don't work....\

   Every Maine-ah,,, at the age of 10 has to battle a moose to the death, using only the aid of 4 beavers...