Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gonna call Suze Orman and ask if I can afford to build a Deathstar.

   Remember the good old days where we use to read the newspaper while taking a crap? LMAO

   Attention: Females take dumps too, they just do it more graciously. But it still stinks just as bad.

   why am I always behind the one person on earth that's never seen a McDonalds menu???

   from now on, I'm only drinking free range beer. You're welcome future generations.

   I lowered my goals to just "avoid poverty or try dying..."

   Redneck word of the day - Asthma: I don't know if I can go or not. Lemme asthma wife

   M̸o̸n̸d̸a̸y̸ - T̸u̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ - W̸e̸d̸n̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ - T̸h̸u̸r̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ - Friday.

   World population:7,018,521,68. just in case some one starts feeling too important !!!

   Why do men like football? Because the biggest priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man's life.... Scoring and Ball Security.

   Good thing I formed a secret neighborhood watch. Based on my inventory of my neighbor's trash, there are some weirdo's around me…

   Found out today that midgets dont like being called midgets....AND they really dont like being called people McNuggets...

   Props to our cat for getting excited about eating the same food EVERYDAY!

   After putting up xmas lights last night I'm wondering why no one hasn't opened up a business that untangles xmas lights...

   Don't worry guy's.... I just hung my 2013 calendar to protect us from the apocalypse. We should be good.

   FYI - Only seven more shopping days until the apocalypse! Plan your looting accordingly...

   What the shelf life of fruit cake? I think the one I have in our pantry is from 1989...Do you think I could still regift it?

   Coz that Pope started using Twitter, Santa just created his Facebook account. Guess what, all the kids are getting clothes and Bible for Christmas :)

   If my wife says one more thing about how poorly I manage money... she's not allowed to jump in the inflatable castle I just bought on EBay.

   Any argument where she says I can do whatever I want always ends with me not doing whatever I want to do.