Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Skinny girls look good in tight clothes.. butt curvy girls look good naked

   Don't run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule

   Whenever I see a lone female jogging at night I follow her in my car from a noticable distance because there are a lot of weirdos out there.

   Sometimes I'm really smart and other times, I'm here scrounging for stuff to p0st..

   What good is a safe word if your mouth is full?

   Other people's children are my form of birth control.

   I already hate next year.

   If you're a man who adds extra letters to words like "Heyyy" or "Thanksss", you should be really ashamed of yourself.

   After 30 years of shopping, my wife still has nothing to wear.

   My brother's boss just died. It's terribly upsetting. It's terribly upsetting that my brother's always had all the luck.

   the only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn't even been born yet...

   I am going to buy a sodastream machine. If you piss in it you can make your own Miller Lite,,,

   I love your personality!!! Especially when your not talking is my favorite!!! JW

   I just bought a pack of Condoms and the cashier asked me, "Sir do you need a bag"; I replied, "Na! She ain't that ugly". :)

   All of us at work are suffering from anal glaucoma today.... We can't see our ass getting to work.

   when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but 10 extra pounds on hip, thigh and rear

   This girl was talking and she said I cant stand the camera.. It adds ten extra pounds on me.. And I said well you must have ten cameras on you then. JW

   a great way to get over someone: plan ahead. Make a list of their faults so if you breakup you can console yourself with their many weaknesses.

   there is nothing worse than a woman coming up with a nickname for your junk, getting confused and calling it Dad.

   My ex got run over by a bus today,,,,, I thought, "WOW,That could have been me!"...... But then again , I don't have a bus drivers license.