Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate ppl and their fake diseases: ADD is not an excuse for ur stupidity...

   Don't worry Mayans, if you DO get it wrong it's not the end of the world.

   Yep, I am the kind of guy who would give a stripper a folded $50 bill with a note inside that says, 'You don't have to do this'

   The only success in life is making someone drive back and forth in front of your house late at night, wishing they were still with you.

   On a scale from 1 to Taylor Swift, how successful was your breakup?

   I will only beg for bacon... nothing else

   I asked my therapist why I was having a hard time fitting in. She said its because she's a virgin and I should go slow.

   I would be open to crying a lot more if my tears tasted like tequila.

   Women look at men and see a potential mate. Men look at women and see a potential sex partner. I look at porn and beat off a lot.

   Nice dress,and by dress I mean ass.

   I'm available for drinking purposes only.

   Every time she asks what you're thinking about, tell her buttsex.

   Prisoner hires hitmen to castrate and kill Justin Bieber?!? And all this time I thought Bieber had already been castrated. Don't tell me he sings like that naturally.

   Setting here on the toilet on my iPad playing Draw Something and dropping logs. My morning in a nut shell.

   If you put reindeer antlers on your car I hope Ted Nugent shoots it

   I went to the shrink coz I've been talking to myself. He asked if I had any stress, told him no. He said, "Don't worry about it then...millions of people talk to themselves." I said, "Yeah, but I'm really boring."

   making a list of people to smack in the head with a fruitcake...

   Attention Lobsters & Crabs with one super buff claw,,, Please consider working out with the other one sometimes.. You look pretty dumb OK

   If you have a hunting license,, it's TOTALLY legal to shoot cars with antlers on them.

   With my luck, I'll get into a terrible car accident while wearing my "period underwear."