Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Hump Day this. It's too far in to see the weekend from either direction.

   even my 16 y/o thinks the 12-12-12 stuff is lame and she's all, like, YOLO...

   Women are like snowflakes. They can't drive.

   I do not understand why people create gags about 10.10.10, 11.11.11 or 12.12.12 while everyone knows that nothing can replace the curiosity of 36.24.36

   Airport security has just made sure that I don't have weapons or prostate cancer

   It's so cold outside my nipples just typed this status.

   Anyone who says they DON"T fart, is full of s hit...

   anybody gonna mention the fact that the Mayans couldn't even predict the Spanish coming?

   It doesn't have to make sense if it makes people laugh.

   Your life must be really pathetic if you spend your time and energy fighting against the rights of others.

   The best way to reach your target audience is a rocket launcher.

   Women worry more about hiding their farts than their feelings.

   My plans for getting laid are getting dusty.

   Making me doubt myself was your first mistake. Underestimating me will be your last.

   When I said I'd give you multiples I was talking about my personalities.

   I'm doing 'Mexican Yoga' tonight. It's just sitting at the back of a regular yoga class with a bottle of tequila.

   Dear Men. When a woman says she doesn't want to talk about it, you'd better shut up, grab a chair and get ready to listen…for hours.

   you always know who's not from NY when they are dressed like Eskimos on a day like today

   Ladies; Just because he had an erection doesn't mean he's in love with you.

   People sometimes let you down… bacon never does. »