Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog doesn't know I stubbed my toe and wasn't yelling at him, he's been hiding under the bed 45 minutes…I think he called the cops.

   Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings.

   If you can't do it naked, it's not worth doing.

   “Pain management” is breaking up with someone that hurts you.

   Kim Kardashian says she's heart broken after her kitten died from cancer. On the bright side, she's definitely in a better place now.

   The biggest obstacle to living your life happily the way you want is other human beings.

   I eat every meal like I'm going to be deported to Africa the next day or something.

   This waking up and doing stuff seems like a thing we have to put up with for quite a while.

   McDonald's is like if Ke$ha were a restaurant.

   I'm the Albert Einstein of avoiding eye contact in public.

   I don't understand why anyone would sleep when they can stay up thinking about every wrong decision they've made. It doesn't make sense.

   It's weird that when a normal girl dates a lot guys she's called many insulting things but when a celebrity does it she's Taylor Swift.

   So you think you can fly a plane would be a fun show to watch...

   My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes...

   Why did the Gingerbread Man go to the Doctor?...............He was feeling Crummy

   Autocorrect has to be my worst enema.

   It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! People are definitely getting in the holiday spirit, CRABBY, GRABBY and RUDE!

   CLAUStrophobia = The Fear of Santa Claus !

   I saw some girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off. So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.

   Not to get technical ...but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.