Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never trust a diet program where the inventor posts only head shots of themselves.

   I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won't talk to you anymore.

   Doctor's can no longer tell people they are fat... Stupid Hippo laws.

   "Together forever" said no sock ever.

   LEON- Mathilda, nothing's the same after you've killed someone.. Your life is changed forever. You have to sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life...

   Have you ever wanted to punch someone in the face simply because their laugh is so annoying?? Or is it just me?

   electrocuting the engineer

   it's not fair how a woman never knows what she's gonna get til his pants are off

   Hey Mr. Australian DJ, can you play some funky cold medina now?

   OMG, I just got a bad headache, chills and I just threw up...I haven't the flu..my radio played a Taylor Swift song.

   Why couldn't that Down Under DJ pulled that trick on a Kardashian? Just saying, LOL

   not looking for Mr. Right... looking for Mr. Right Now

   You wouldn't think I've ever had a stroke unless you saw me trying to get my wallet out my back pocket while driving.

   The soundtrack to my life would just be the sound of a single car door shutting. Every. Single. Weekend.

   Dear Santa, Do not eat any cookies from Colorado and Washington this year.. May cause drowsiness.

   If we make a baby, I want his or her name to remind us of that magic night - besides, how many other Doggystyle Rumplemintz Daniels can there be?

   People will stop making small talk with you if you simply wear clown makeup whenever you're out in public.

   Times are short and Money is hard... Here's Your Effin Christmas Card!!!

   Dude, if you've never hit the brakes while your girl was putting on lipstick…we'll never be friends.

   Whoa. The house telephone thingy just rang. Couldn't remember what to do so I stopped, dropped and rolled.