Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   remember when MTV actually stood for Music Television

   I wonder if Colorado or Washington girl scouts can make "special cookies" to sale along with the others

   Just played the board game Clue, The "Who killed music" version. Well turns out it was Nicki Minaj, in the studio, with a microphone.

   If anyone ever moans about you leaving a pile clothes on the floor, just tell them it's a dead Jedi.

   The best stories ever told always end with the words"...and then I got the hell out of there."

   I will take two 20 year olds over a 40 year old any day!

   if we get to my place and she's wearing a push up bra and spanx, I'm putting her s hit on the street...

   40 y/o women are like stray cats. A little attention and they'll never leave...

   when someone says you haven't aged a bit, they really mean you looked like s hit back then, too...

   My cat moved out when my first child was born. True story. I guess giving birth is quite traumatic on a pu$$y.

   I think I'd be a good role model for plants!

   John Travolta's closet is full of dild0s, skeletons, and himself.

   My wedding ring gives me superpowers...not to cheat.

   Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper "You can see me?"..

   Going out just means staring at my phone from a different location.

   Woke up again today. When will it stop?

   Jesus doesn't care if my gift to you comes from the dollar store and neither should you.

   I bet Pintrest wrecks more diets than holiday parties

   If being romantic means at least I didn't set you on fire then yes, I'm romantic.

   Excuse me, Santa, but I still haven't received the first "ho" you promised me.