Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The less you give a damn, the happier you will be...

   Alcohol is the gasoline on the highway to happiness.

   all I ask for is 100% loyalty, no strings attached.

   Every time someone orders a high-end bourbon with Coke, the bartender should serve them a complimentary shot of regret.

   "I see drunk people." - Me, playing the starring role in The Sixth Heavily-Impaired Sense

   If distilleries donated a dollar for every whiskey shot done under an office desk, we could cure cancer by end of business today.

   Last night at the bar tried a new pick up line - told a woman it was my birthday. Only thing that turned her on was the possibility of cake.

   Why do people say you can;t have your cake and eat it too? That is the complete opposite of every cake having experience I have had in my life.

   I respect you. I'm just not IN respect with you.

   jealous of his parents because he will never have a kid as awesome as theirs.

   ‎"Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Uhhh... 'cause you've got white stuff all over your butt." ~ Guy who's really bad at pick-up lines ツ

   you can half your cake and eat it in two.

   Santa is really going to love the cookies he gets from Colorado and Washington this year..

   Every Taylor Swift song sounds like a long drawn out Facebook status

   In my darker moments I despair over the injustices I will never be able to stop. Greed. Hunger. Plague. Here Comes Honey-boo-boo

   The real magic of Christmas is how quickly money vanishes from my wallet.

   Hey teenage girls, Santa saw your facebook. Now you're only getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.

   On the 12th day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me- 12 people I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 holiday pet pictures, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 p

   3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a someone who wont stop Inboxing meee...

   The weekend just logged me out due to inactivity.