Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm quitting my job as professional fisherman. I can't live on my net income.

   Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away anything, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a mexican drug lord.

   How old do I have to be before I get this "Adult super-vision" everybody insists I need..... It sounds freakin incredible.

   Went marchin' outside, singin' God Bless Merica. Saluted and yelled, "Remember Pearl Harbor. Suck it Japanland. These colors don't run."

   For those of you who think you're all failures, just think. Ash Ketchum from pokemon is 25 and only has a fifth grade education while only ever owning 68 out of 649. Just hang in there

   I don't always cut down a fresh Christmas tree..but when I do, I pick the best one in my neighbors yard ;)

   Maybe we just need gun control for NFL players...

   The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is??

   No matter how old I get, I always know that I'll have to mentally sing my ABC's to know which letter comes next.

   Just saw a fat ginger girl buying a rape whistle...gotta admire her optimism

   I drink a lot because when I die I want to become high octane fossil fuel. I want to be burned up in a sports car, not some damned Kia or Suburu

   You know It's not really an "American Girl Doll ®" without cuts on it's arms, a teen pregnancy, or an eating disorder.

   when I'm happy, I drink and when I drink, I'm happy. Win/win!!

   The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man's ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.

   Sex, Food, Sleep, & Poops. General male happiness depends on how good these 4 things are at any given time.

   A picture is like a thousand words so if your profile photo is bad, it's like reading the word ugly a thousand times.

   What's with all this bullying crap ... Bullying has been around since the T'rex punked a lizard . You want to stop bullying teach your kid how to defend themselves , bullies hate a fight .

   Thank you for the birthday wished. I'd comment on each of them, but I'm lazy. Plus this way those that have yet to wish me a happy birthday will see this post and be reminded to do so. Ultimately resulting in more birthday wishes on my FB wall. :0)

   wishes exercising was just as easy to do as eating is.

   Read a story about a man who was killed by wave.. All I can think is how big was the other guy's hand?