Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So How long do I microwave these teenage turtles before I can teach them karate ?

   "Mona Lisa sucked my kock once" Leonardo Da Vinci

   You like piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain. Thus, this intervention.

   Remember when there was a time limit on the drinking fountain as a kid? They need that at the Redbox!

   My sixth sense is upon entering someone's home for the first time, I immediately know where the pillow forts should be built.

   MTV to Ring in New Year With Ke$ha and 'Jersey Shore' Cast. So if the world ends on the 21st, it will at least spare us that.

   I like how on cop cars, "To protect and serve" is in quotes, like they're being sarcastic.

   December 7th, 1941. Never forget. I'm boycotting sushi.

   My heart has no room for you but the trunk of my car does!

   I shave before I masturbate because I'm worth it.

   If a girl spits on your d ick right before she sucks it, that's the universal sign for "you should probably wear a c0ndom for this one".

   My wife hates it when she blows me a kiss around family and I catch it then pull down my pants and put it on my butthole.

   I'm the Taylor Swift of blaming others for my problems

   I'm ok with you liking cats as long as you're ok with me hating you.

   The restraining order doesn't mean we can't hang. It just says I can't get within 50ft of you. You wanna play catch or frisbee or something?

   To correct the guy from yesterday, unemployment actually once again went down, to 7.7%

   Even though God is my co-pilot..... He also, is on the "no-fly" list.. Thanks Sadly, to His ties to several extremist groups..... You jerks

   Opening a chain of gynecologist offices called "All Up In Yo Business."

   I bet it didn't take Prince Harry long to tell Princess Kate that nausea can be cured by sucking on ginger

   When I go pick up my friends I tell them that 'im here' when I'm 5 minutes away so I'm only waiting 2 minutes in the driveway