Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk.. Unless you're crossing the border.. Then don't do that

   ‎5 Reasons I'm so good at procrastinating... 1: Ah, screw it. I'll do it later.

   This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.

   When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia it was like music to my arse

   Just saw this chick texting and driving, so I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her. I'm keeping the streets safe one beer at a time.

   I can barely hear the songs on this Christmas station over the sound of the DJ choking himself with a belt.

   Here's how it works. You have $ex, then nine months later you give birth. Seven years later, you flood my newsfeed with countless pics of these little "geniuses" who, in reality, are average at best.

   Donated blood for the needy since it is Xmas. Now I just have to find a Salvation Army bucket to put this Ziploc baggie in.

   Ever have one of those days where you thought you had enough lotion on your skin, but got the hose again? smh...

   Please don't let anyone come over here, please don't let anyone come over here" - me after I fart

   My room is about as organized as the Walmart $5 DVD bin.

   Moment of silence for people who still wear Aeropostale.

   Every Thursday night I go out, forgetting about last Friday morning.

   Due to those 5 extra minutes of sleep I got because of the snooze button I'm not even tired anymore --Said no one ever!

   Don't you hate when you rush to the bathroom and the lady in the next stall won't share the TP?!?!?!

   Alright kids... Life is going to continue to throw the same lesson at you until you finally learn it, so don't act all surprised when your boyfriend/girlfriend situation explodes in flames like it always does when you keep choosing the same type of clowns

   I think there should be a special place in hell for whoever invented those strings of Christmas lights that wont work at all or blink half assed because one damn bulb is blown!

   I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don't know anything about cars, but I do know how po rn starts off

   Just finished at Walmart and McDonald's. On my way to visit a family member in prison to complete the trifecta.

   Someone told me: Don't fall in love, you might get hurt. I said: Don't live, you might die..