Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This misfiring soap dispenser reminds me of you!

   People have a tendency to become like they are treated. If they are not like all the others, you might want to treat them differently.

   You're from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can't decide which.

   I'm not ignoring you, I'm just not taking any notice.

   I may not be as happy as you, but I make up for it with tequila and denying my problems exist.

   I'd let you hold my boob before I'd let you hold my cell phone.

   If you think accidentally calling a fat woman "pregnant" is bad, you should see what happens when you call a pregnant woman "fat."

   For a boot that has been left outside since the early ‘90s, Kevin Bacon aged pretty well.

   I am woman, hear me give you the silent treatment.

   My Girlfriend is a terrible cook..... In our house we pray after we eat.

   I have a thing for women with dark hair and dark eyes, and that thing is called a p enis.

   Throwing ammonia on pandas creates pandamonium.

   Marriage tip: When times get tough, never tell a woman she needs to "sacrifice." Women do not like this term. Always say "prioritize."

   My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."

   My pot never calls the kettle 'black' because I don't buy talking marijuana

   You were a lot more attractive before you posted pictures of your boyfriend.

   I don't expect a perfect relationship. I just need you to hold back my hair when I vomit and break up my fights when I drink whiskey.

   I sleep on a mattress on the floor next to a cooler of beer that doubles as my nightstand so don't tell me about being "single."

   Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.

   You are not living right if you have never been slapped with at least one restraining order in your life!