Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dec. 4 1979 it was 91 deg. Was it Global Waring then too?

   it's 76 in Miami. Global warming or just sweaty Cubans??

   Some girls will stop speaking to their friends over the littlest things, but will forgive the same cheating guy a millions times...

   You know it's going to be a bad day when you're told to "get your own sandwich".

   success is not the key to happiness; happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.

   Life has no remote. You have to get up and change it yourself.

   When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say..

   WebMD says I have hypochondria... is that serious? :o\

   I saw a one-armed man shopping at a second-hand store. I was, like, 'You're not going to find what you're looking for!'

   hmmm....the red nose? the flying? aiding in transporting? and nervousness? Its obvious Rudolph has a cocaine problem.

   Where there is alcohol, there is a way.

   1. Wear a life alert bracelet that says you need to be resuscitated by pizza. 2. Lie on the sidewalk. 3. Feast.

   I think "Charlie" In The Box is a little light in the spring. If ya know what I mean.

   Quick question: Is there anyone out there who has NOT gotten engaged, divorced or pregnant in 2012?

   My lack of Christmas shopping is pretty much dependent on the Mayans being right

   The next person I hear blaring "Gangnam Style" at a stoplight is getting stabbed in the temples with an olive fork!

   Why would I watch the Victoria Secret Angels when I have 3 mirrors in my room?

   I love the taste of tuna, but I'm not a fan of the smell. This is true about something else as well, but I can't put my finger in it. Hmm.

   I'm the one your mother warned you about......to never let me be the one that got away.

   If you make me a mix tape don't ever expect to be rid of me.