Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stop looking for things and people who you think will make your life perfect, and start looking for the things and people that make your life WORTH IT!

   When it comes to bacon, I have as much self control as a kitten faced with a large ball of string...

   Anyone who can use the term "Hitler was right" has a lot of soul searching to do!!!

   Obama comes out smelling like a rose either way with the fiscal cliff thing. If it passes, he takes credit and if it doesn't, he'll just blame the Republicans

   I was wondering about my genealogy so I traced my family tree. Leaf it to me to trace my roots only to find out I'm the sap.

   So I've never done cocaine, but I have a question. Why do people do it in the bathroom? If you were doing a drug that you had to sniff really hard to do, isn't someplace where people poop not the ideal place?

   Totally cool to keep killing your people Bashar. Just don't use chemical weapons. Otherwise, we're all good.

   It's almost that time of year where I don't have to feel weird about eating cookies shaped like people.

   The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.

   Can someone help me with this? I wanted some homemade honey, but I don't know how many bees to put in this blender...so far it tastes horrible.

   I knew she was "Trouble" from the moment the announcer at the strip club introduced her as so.

   The first person that falls asleep at my parties doesn't get written on or their hand in warm water. They get the phone numbers of their girlfriend and ex-girlfriend switched in their cell phone.

   Hey Bob Costas, you can have my Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms the day after you give up your right to free speech under the First Amendment.

   Bob Costas just told the world his house is available for burglary.

   People who say "money can't buy happiness" have apparently never used money....to buy a bag of weed : )

   Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people

   If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn't be any good music.

   If you love someone, set them fee. If they don't come back, call them up later when you're drunk

   People who complain on Yelp, It was one meal out of your entire life. Calm down.

   I think all the call of duty's should have a PS3 vs. XBOX online game mode.