Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Wife told me that in some cultures Men do all the housework and cooking, so I told her in some cultures shopping every Sunday don't exist. She's busy Cooking now

   If you take more than 5 pictures of your face and you don't like any, you should probably stop trying and accept the fact that you're ugly

   Dreamed I fell asleep at work and it freaked me out when I woke up there

   The first thing I do when someone introduces themselves to me is forget what their name is

   2012...End of the WORLD... 2013 ... End of the Rumor...

   I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says "Haha good one!" and we laugh and laugh and take a nap

   I'm the type of person who gains weight just by LOOKING at the dessert that I'm finishing

   Having the worst day ever. There was no Traffic, All the roundabouts I passed were being cleared so fast I had to stop on the side of the road to read Facebook posts

   I Diet religiously.........I eat what I want, then Pray I don't gain any Weight

   Definition of laziness : It's a talent of taking rest before you get tired..........coz prevention is better than cure

   Sarcasm 2012 style "Why don't you Gangnam style your way off the nearest cliff?"

   If you eat 4 pieces of pizza without separating them, it counts as just 1....dieting still on.......

   GOP today: Dems never get serious abuot spending. GOP in 2011: The spending cuts we got Ds to agree to were major concessions.

   I have to assume these next four weeks are incredibly difficult for anyone whose grandma actually was run over by a reindeer.

   At the end of my dinner the waiter asks "wanna box" so I got up and knocked him out. I bet he won't ask that question again.

   My Christmas card this year is going to be a photo of a me in a recliner drinking a beer while watching football. It will say "Happy Holidays from a single guy."

   in a honeymoon stage with his tablet. The two of us were made for each other. It makes me laugh, makes me cry and the two of us don't play games with each other... unless you count Frogger.

   doesn't get why sex is often referred to as 'sleeping with someone'. Do it right and neither one of you will be getting much sleep that night.

   likes The Walking Dead, but there is way too much character development and not enough character devourment.

   avoids going to museums for fear he will get stuck overnight when everything comes alive.