Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my neighbors house looks like Feliz Navidad threw up.

   Let me know when the power ball "Jokes" are over

   Facing the music and out dancing every single tune on it.

   Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, but there is Xbox.

   My girl tells me i'm a flirt. I tell her i'm just trying to have sex with other women.

   Show me on this bottle of Jack Daniels where feelings happened.

   That nervous moment when we're at a Fiscal Cliff and Obama's campaign slogan is "Forward"

   Let's fall in love with each other but end up marrying other people.

   Men with balls of steel get extra cold in the winter.

   Reality T.V. Show Idea: Put The Kardashians, Honey Boo Boo, and the Jersey Shore cast on a island. Have them fight it out until the last one stands and call it "Who Gives A Fu¢k"

   If I bend over for any reason and you don't immediately come behind and air hump me, you're not my kinda guy.

   You never heard or seen a pothead come home and beat his wife have you?

   I like to begin every conversation with taking my pants off.

   When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights

   Wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?

   When I was a kid I wrote to Santa Clause to "please send me a baby brother",,,,,,Santa wrote back "send me your mother"!

   We all have that family member who thinks they're a professional photographer.

   worst part of being sick? Sneezing while taking a piss...

   I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.

   If Apple and Microsoft weren't competing to see who can make the best phones and tablets, we would already have flying cars and Jet packs by now.