Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the refrigerator is a clear example that what matters is whats inside

   If she can still walk after se x to make you a sammich... then you're doing it wrong...

   After I masturbate I make shadow puppets on the wall and say annoying things like "hold me" and "what are you thinking" to keep things realistic.

   Office Buffet = Taking food from each coworkers lunch in the refrigerator.

   Summary of everyone's Facebook timeline: 1. born 2. things got worse

   Have been playing with the first of the snow today! or, well I fell and broke my hip. still counts!

   What does an Eagles fan do after his team wins the Super Bowl?....He turns off Madden and goes to bed

   X What does a Cowboys fan do after his team wins A Play-Off Game?....He turns off Madden and goes to bed

   naming my TV remote Waldo for obvious reasons.

   "Angry bowel Syndrome" May not be the MOST prevailent disease to get celebrity attention and special ribbon,,, But it is pushing to be #2

   Hey Holidays,,,, either start later or get more songs.

   Just did 100 crunches, and I'll be damned if there aren't just crumbs everywhere.

   Well, today I realized that boobytrap backwards is partyboob, I think I've learned all that is possible for my brain to hold....

   when women want to be treated like a princess, they go looking for prince charming....they need to look for Mario....he will do anything & has a lot of extra lives

   You know you're a 90's kid if you remember when Nickelback was decent.

   Just had a dream in 3D! You think that was cool?! Damn that was one freaky dream!

   Hey guys? You know while I hope you are all enjoying Halo 4, Black Ops 2 and Metal Of Honor? I would like you to know that some of us single guys that have a life are enjoying your girlfriends as well! You know just sayin.

   stop sending me farmville requests or I will drive you out into the desert, strip you naked and smear you in honey. then I will tie you to an ant hill lying face up, cut off your eyelids so you are forced to stare at the sun while the ants slowly eat you.

   X What does a Jets fan do when his team wins the Super Bowl? He turns off Madden and gets back in bed with his sister.

   My retirement plan is pretty much dependent on the Mayans being right.