Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Honey Boo Boo's mother has a boyfriend. Lets all reflect on my life together.

   it still a disorder if I only cut other people?

   Know what I going to Buy to My MAYAN friend for Christmas.

   Young lady, what's your blood type? "Uh, fahv nine, paints on da groun....gold toofs...and his hands on his nut$!"

   The final Twilight movie and Lincoln both opened the same weekend. One is about a shameful, dark chapter in our history we hope never will be repeated. The other is about a president.

   I'll say it again. Nothing spooks me like when a cat walks into the room I'm in, looks at absolutely nothing, their hair stands up, they freak and take off leaving me wondering what the hell I'm in the room with that I can't see.

   The only time a woman succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby

   You know that part in Toy Story 3 were Andy gives away his toys? Well I find that part sadder than the whole twilight movies..

   If you posted that worthless legal disclaimer on your Facebook page, you might also want to spray paint your name on your garbage cans.

   If you see someone using a payphone, there is a 97% chance you can buy drugs from them.

   freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door

   Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It's dark isn't it?

   My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

   If you posted that worthless legal disclaimer on your Facebook page, you might also want to post that you won't be signing autographs when you get off of work at 5 today.

   Hey,,, That's a cool race car bed,, kid.. Maybe someday you can be like me and sleep in a real car...

   gonna get a dog and name him naked so when people ask me where I'm going I can say I'm walking naked down the street

   Can dogs have onion?... Cause I gave my dog an onion four years ago,,, and now my internet's acting up

   I want to be rich enough to appreciate ugly art.

   Facebook makes me feel like I'm right at home. Nobody cares what I have to say over there either.

   I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don't understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.