Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road, I'm gonna leave and come back dressed as Santa with a sign that says "Help, need ride!"

   okay...who the hell keeps kicking my shoes under the bed.

   I'd rather watch John Goodman rub mayonnaise on himself once an hour for the rest of my life, than listen to "Call Me Maybe" one more time

   If my dog could talk, I think he'd say, "I don't appreciate it when you tell me that there's a squirrel outside, when there clearly isn't."

   If only chubby chasers actually chased chubby people... Then we wouldn't have such a problem with obesity.

   A woman who can make her man accompany her to the mall for shopping when there is a football match on TV probably don't give blow jobs either.

   Just wrote ‘You have no new messages' on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.

   It should be called a vaninja since I never see it.

   The evil that men do is nothing compared to the evil that women will spend an entire lifetime plotting.

   I would lose weight, but I hate losing

   Whoever said you can't teach an old dog new tricks hasn't met my dog. I told him to play dead and after 5 straight day's he's still going strong...

   a kid gets hurt in a bounce house every 46 minutes so I only let mine play for 45 minutes...

   fact: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

   I just KNOW this fly is up to something,,,, I see him sittin there, rubbing his arms together.... Plotting

   Nothing irritates me more as when I step on some melted snow with a fresh, dry and clean pair of socks on.

   Some people say “If you can't beat them, join them”. I say “If you can't beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

   Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

   The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

   How dare you incinerate that I don't know big words.

   They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.