Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know what's more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.

   Before Facebook we all had to lie about how happy we are in person.

   I'm not shy, I'm just really good at figuring out who's worth talking to

   Sure you could complain there's another Twilight movie out right now. OR you could celebrate that there'll never be another.

   They should change the name of Thanksgiving to something more fitting like say, Turkeypocolypse

   Saying “dude” before you say something important.

   Black friday: because only in America people trample each other for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have

   In my family we don't own a gravy boat ....we have a gravy tanker ship!

   saw a Mayan Xmas shopping today ........ seemed legit

   if I live to be over 100 I'm gonna tell people something crazy of how I've lived to be that old like I ate a pine cone everyday or something like that.

   When life throws ten problems at you, it also gives you a hundred reasons to be thankful. Give thanks to God! Have a very happy and safe Thanksgiving!

   If I asked you to have sex with me... Would the answer to that question be the same as the answer to this question?

   It's Thanksgiving. Don't forget to set your scale forward 45 lbs. ahead.

   The day Rick Ross decides to crowd-surf, is the day he'll find out who his true fans are

   it just me, or does Dub step sound like transformers having sex?

   School dress code is so dumb. Your shoulder can't show??? What boy is going to look at a girl and be like "DAMN THAT’S A FINE ASS SHOULDER!"

   Willow Smith is 11 and has a tongue ring, half her head shaved and is bisexual. She needs to go live with her Aunty and Uncle in Bel-Air

   Aren't we supposed to die in a month or was that cancelled?

   Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

   “I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”