Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   rubbing cats against ballons and then attatching them to walls

   People think I'm sleeping in this tent to see that stupid Twilight movie, I'm just first in line for Black Friday.

   You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.

   I said to my niece, “There are two words I'd like you to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome' and the other is ‘gross'.” “Okay,” she replies, “what are they?”

   Wife asked me if I liked Cranberry for Thanksgiving, I said that depends on what you serve it with. She said Turkey and Gravy? I said no silly, VODKA....!!! If looks could kill....

   kind of surprised I'm not an action figure by now...

   I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs...

   Wife: every time we argue, you think you're right.... Me: yes, if I thought you were right, we wouldn't be arguing...

   The Twinkee may be reborn, Mexican company El Grupo Bimbo may be the new owner and manufacturer. Will this mean the vanilla cream filling will be replaced with Guacamole or Salsa ?

   my wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she's bluffing...

   Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

   After filling up my gas tank this morning before work, I realized that I didn't want to eat for the rest of the week anyway.

   Those girls who think every guy wants them. Not really.

   i think before a member of congress makes a speech they should be drunk ....that way they wont lie

   ''Send me a pic'' never fails to ruin a conversation....

   "When I was a kid, we didn't even HAVE the internet!" is the new "I had to walk to school uphill, BOTH WAYS!"

   You haven't experienced awkward until you tickle someone who isn't ticklish

   One Cup Of Coffee, A Dash Of Milk, and A Half Pound Of Sugar! Thats How I Roll!

   Bud, try using a tampon to keep those pathetic "missing you" emotions from flowing out of your mangina

   Just saw Ke$ha perform on the Today Show and I'm pretty sure I have gonorrhea now.