Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't worry, some people are their own punishment in life.

   My life's one long beer commercial.

   I am confused did Roethlisberger hurt his arm playing football or rap!ng somebody?

   As a kid I remember my dad taking us to a hill and rolling us down in tires. Them were Good Years

   DID YOU KNOW : They automatically qualify you for AARP if you provide an " AOL" email address

   You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

   I want a Breast Cancer Awareness t-shirt that say "Yes they're fake, My real ones tried to kill me!"

   I wonder if Woody and Buzz have ever met any of Andy's Mom's toys. They probably have the same names.

   If you're always gossiping and lying, you're a power seeker.

   My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance. It's a cool feature but I didn't think the LOL was necessary.

   The best way to deliver bad news is a message frosted onto a cake. "You want a divorce?!" "Yeah, and a slice with a flower on it."

   I feel dirty every time I click on a page and get an "internal server error." I feel like I should have been wearing protection.

   Girlfriend- I hate you when your stoned. Me- I hate you when i'm not.

   Restarting the whole song because you missed your favorite line.

   The side effects of the medicine I'm on include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.

   Don't shop when hungry. Don't date when horny. Don't update your status when drunk

   You know a girl is serious when they say your name in a text.

   Best Relationship: Talk like bestfriends, play like children, argue like husband and wife, protect each other like brother and sister.

   34 days until the world ends. LETS GOOO

   So they legalize marijuana and then get rid of Twinkies? Is our government playing some kind of cruel joke on us?