Snotty Funny Status Messages

   "What have I done?!!.... EVERYBODY RUN !!" -Creator of the boomerang

   I wanted to put my hair in a bun,, but the hairdresser was all out of sourdough... (giant cane trys to pull me off stage,, but I backflip over it)

   "I don't want to talk about it, so I posted some lyrics for you to decipher about how it's your fault." ~ girls

   HEY,, I wrote the manual on ADD.. Well, it's 3 sentences,,,, The rest is a drawing of a giant space robot eating a skyscraper made of muffins.

   I'm just surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

   I once dated a woman named Deb who hated to be called Deborah. Then I dated a woman named Tammi who really hated to be called Deborah

   If you've ever wondered what it's like to be a parent,, Just go in your kitchen, scatter cheetos and sugar. Then yell Stop,, No,, & Don't 300 times

   I Just updated my will & left my entire estate to my friends here,,,, Good luck figuring out how to split up a half jar of Miracle Whip..

   Not to be too braggy but I can put 72 m&m's in my mouth at once.. One went down my windpipe and I'm on my way to the ER now,,,,, but still.

   I'm holding tryouts for my band tonight... So far it's Crackhead Tim on flute & Captain Potato salad whispering into a paper cup,,, so we're kind of just looking for dancers.

   Remember,,, The worst things in life are free, too

   Oh I'm sorry.. I didn't know it was "bring your feelings to work day".

   An Alligator bit off an 81 year old women's arm in Florida, I guess 81years without getting your arm bitten off is a pretty good effort...

   It was the busta rhymes,,, It was the wursta rhymes

   I really have no idea what a Kardashian is but,,,, From what I can gather, it's an exercise bike for basketball players.

   Oh you jumped on the elevator to go ONE floor?,,, Your cankles must be so tired.....

   O.K.,, I've got my bucket list.. Now what do I DO with all these buckets.

   Sad news. Morgan Freeman passed away again today. ..This is twice in two months

   I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.

   If you love something,, let it go..... That's EXACTLY what I've done with my body....