JOser Funny Status Messages

   "You look like you work out", said no one, to me.

   Lingerie is just expensive wrapping paper.

   I'm never getting married. After learning another Bachelorette couple has split, I simply don't know what love is anymore.

   I've missed you guys like a retard misses the point.

   It's never too late to start secretly playing air guitar.

   The 5-second rule is real! Earlier I ate a chip that was on the floor for 6.7 seconds, and here I am at the ER.

   Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, b*tches"

   Why do people reply to me in other languages? I don't know wtf you're saying. I only speak three languages: English, Parseltounge

   There's an update available for my Vuvuzela app on my phone. I bet now, rather than making a noise, it just says "You"re a douchebag!"

   My favorite meetings are the ones about the important deadline for work I could be done with if I wasn't in a meeting.

   BREAKING NEWS: LeBron James chooses DirecTV over Comcast and Dish Network.

   So excited: my DVD collection of "Hoarders" is almost complete! And on VHS! Also on Blu-ray and 8mm film. And LaserDisc. Where is my cat?

   Why do people reply to me in other languages? I don't know wtf you're saying. I only speak three languages: English, Parseltounge

   How is lindsay lohan ever gonna find a good woman when she is jail? wait....... this might just work out.

   After all these years, I'm surprised nobody at CSI has found the light switch in their office.

   I don't take compliments well. Or criticism. You know what, just don't talk to me.

   It is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." I'm talking to you Twi-hards & Beliebers.

   Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.

   It feels good not to have any feelings.

   BREAKING NEWS: Miami Heat joins LeBron James.