Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The biggest mistake of my life is that I said yes, when I meant to say no.

   If you're helping me move and I ask you to move the box that's completely taped shut you're holding the box with all my vibrat0rs in it.

   I'd only consider running at night because frankly I'd rather be found dead in a ditch than have anybody see me running.

   Don't you ever forget who paved that lane you're in.

   Why do British people never sound British when they sing?

   If it doesn't add value, subtract that shi t.

   Nothing better than starting the morning with a workout. And by workout, I mean sex.

   Single and failing to mingle.

   i'm looking for the type of girl I can close my eyes and wish for every time its 11:11 and then open my eyes and see the most beautiful sandwich

   I'm really sorry LMFAO, I'm gonna have to start shuffling every other day. The soles of my shoes are wearing out too quickly.

   Question: if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie apocalypse problem?

   If I was black I wouldn't buy Band-Aids til they made them in my skin color, just sayin.

   Part of the reason I'm entertained by things that my girlfriend hates is because my girlfriend hates them.

   I've done a lot of stuff to see beautiful women naked....but Twitter has got to be the most labor intensive

   Sometimes I screw up intentionally just so I can say, “You were right dear” B itches love hearing “You were right dear”

   I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!

   Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It's called “I need to get laid and I'll say and do anything to make it happen”

   To me, drink responsibly means don't spill it.

   If these walls could talk, there would just be one more thing in this house that doesn't answer me when I speak.

   We gave you Nickelback and Justin Bieber. You responded with the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Well played America, well played