Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Humans are the only creatures on earth that will cut down trees, make paper, then write "Save Trees" on them...

   I really hope popcorn appreciates what the microwave did for its career...

   Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.

   There's nothing worse than being suck in traffic and having to take a dump

   I just had to explain hobbits to another human being; I am outraged.

   It'd be pretty mind blowing if a cyclops had two buttholes.

   I think the hives on my arm are trying to start a bluegrass band.

   I was at church when the devil tapped me on the shoulder. He goes, "Aren't you scared?" I said, "No." He said, "Why not?" I go, "I'm married to your sister."

   ive seen more humour There is nothing funnier than yelling "SHE'S STEALING MY BABY!" when you witness a violent parent with their kid in public.

   So, Los Angeles wants Meatless Monday... and probably followed by Tater Tot Tuesday and Weinerless Wednesday...

   I was in the Air Force and had to parachute out of a plane. I didn't want to. The co-pilot said if I didn't jump, he'd stick his manhood where the sun don't shine. I jumped. A little at first.

   Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

   My girlfriend surprised me with bubble wrap panties last night. Lets just say it was fun Popping ........that Coochie!

   All my life I thought air was free.... until I bought a bag of potato chips

   Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.

   I'm not saying I'm a celebrity or something, but I was asked to autograph receipts at 3 separate bars tonight.

   You Mexican people and your crazy customs, what does a sink full of mayonnaise have to do with independence?

   I really wanted to tell someone how much I appreciated them but then I realized cake had no ears :(

   You know that moment when you look into your girlfriend's eyes and know exactly what she is thinking? ...well could you tell me what that is like because I have no idea what the hell is in her brain.

   cinco de mayo is not Mexico's Independence Day! retard!