Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Abuelita , Me das $50? QUE!? Que te de $40? Para que quieres $30 si con $20 es suficiente?... Ten $10 why dale $5 a tu hermano!

   I still can't believe I was cited for running through the park naked when it was clearly evident I had black socks on! ツ

   Can we start a rumor that all Ed Hardy & Tapout shirts are bullet proof?

   if Steve jobs invented the MAC computer, does that make him the original "Mac Daddy"?

   Lets treat guns like printers, expensive ink and bullets! that way if you really shoot someone,....oh you really meant to kill them with this $3000 silver bullet!

   Seriously, if Liam Neeson was my dad I'd start so much crap with people...

   Dec 21st falls on a Friday... What a sh*tty way to start the weekend..

   Screw you IHOP...why the hell am I banned? The waitress clearly asked me where I wanted the whipped cream... I just showed her.

   Hey! Stop attacking Donald Trump. She is a nice chubby older Polish woman and she deserves some respect.

   This morning! I went to the front door naked, not sure what freacked out the post women more. The fact that I was naked or that I knew where she lived.

   Just did my morning run!! (from the bed to the bathroom) I feel so invigorated.

   I have more respect for the toilet paper I just wiped my ass with than I do for Donald Trump.

   A Mayan in a landscaper uniform at the gas station just winked at me while I took a sip of my coffee and smiled and said enjoy it while you can.!! WTF

   Forget the Mayans, if Twinkies makers don't return to work by 5 pm, the world ends today.

   hmmm, I wonder where the girls that ate the poopoo out of the cup are today?

   Today I am thankful for the 5th dentist who overcame extreme prejudice by defiantly standing against the other 4 dentists and chose NOT to recommend sugarless gum for his patients who chewed gum.

   I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.

   Tesco - It's the little things that make Christmas. Yeah, Vietnamese kids in sweat shops.

   Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome............................. Take your time,,, I'll wait

   Microwaving stuff which claims to be non-microwavable is kinda my thing.