Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   gathering up snow flakes to build a snowman.

   If a man is talking, and there isn't a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

   I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"

   The founder of McAfee Anti-Virus running away from the Law? Maybe Norton can detect him better!

   When life gives you lemons, get some Tequila and call me

   I always wondered what a ''Chimichanga" was. Just found out. It's a bad case of diarrhea....

   When I was at the gym again this morning, I thought to myself "How can I subtly tell everyone that I always go to the gym?"

   With all these scandals w/ big bird & now elmo I'm kinda glad they nvr told me how 2 get 2 sesame st.

   Getting a cavity filled tomorrow... Geesh, I hate going to the airport

   It must suck to have just one arm.... Until you get arrested.

   Don't ever question my loyalty because you'll scare it away forever.

   People say Alcohol kills too many people. They don't realize how's my people are born because of it.

   Either you suck at spelling or you own an iPhone or both kid.

   Drawback to having really long hair: Just pulled what looks like that thing from The Grudge out of our bathtub drain.

   its gotten so bad around here, someone is trying to start a Macarena dance....

   It's really funny to see a cat fall off a bed, til it grabs your leg.

   Every time traffic policemen stops me they ask if I have drunk anything. But no one ever asked me if I had eaten anything.

   2005 Batman Begins / Obama sworn in senate 2008 Dark Knight / Obama elected as president 2012 Dark Knight Rises / Obama re-elected Maybe Batman is actually...

   Siri is the only form of intelligent communication I've talked to on my phone since October 4, 2011.

   Kids hate it when they open their new toy only to find out that batteries are not included. So do women.