Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sure both Justin and Selena already have new boyfriends

   I'm so glad to see Selena Gomez has finally gone straight!

   Been trying to write a romantic poem for hours, but so far all I have is "a55 rocket".

   It is ironic that Bain outsourced Levi's, Hagar, and EDS to India before their workers outsourced Mitts job to Kenya.

   ""What does it mean when a woman is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.""

   If they were to make a porn on my life, It would be fully clothed people apologizing to each other.

   If you don't get a text or email for 10 minutes you restart your phone because its probably frozen, right?

   One way to keep women out of NASCAR.... Don't throw the Yellow when she's stopped backwards on the race track...

   why am I doing homework?? the world ends in 40 days

   I praise these men and women of this proud and God fearing nation they are so important to the history of this country with out them we would be under someone else's rule. I thank you mlitary men and women. Posted to the idiot who didn't sign his name!!

   I was watching MMA and a NASCAR Race broke out!!!!

   Girls are like phones. They love to be held, talked to but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected.

   Me with no money: I want everything... Me with money: what the f?ck do I buy

   Me: I'm happy right now. Life: lol one sec

   Are you cold?" No dumbass, I'm on fuc?ing vibrate mode.

   According to my Domino's Pizza Tracker,,, It's currently in my lower colon...

   Not sure if I slept or just drifted into a brief coma... can't explain this taste in my mouth either.

   I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He said "I don't know." I replied "I'm not coming in this morning"

   I will not sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia.

   Childbirth...So easy even a woman can do it!