Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your a$$hole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

   I love strippers. They're awesome. Plus I can't get my girlfriend to do shi t for a dollar.

   John Denver's “Rocky Mountain High” the new official song for the state of Colorado...

   The thing about Truth is, it is always True!

   Judge told me I had to go to the DMV to get a "blow and go" I was so excited I ran to the hottest girl at the DMV. Now waiting for a bail bondsman because apparently our definitions of a blow and go are waaaay different

   if Big Foot's actually existed don't you think someone would've found a skeleton by now??

   9 year old girl in boys football league with 232 carries, ran for 1,911 yards, 35 tds, and 65 tackles?! WTF?! Young lady is an inspiration!!! Never let society limit your dreams!!!

   TIME SAVING TIP: Don't bother

   I think "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills.

   My cat keeps bugging me for an Instagram account so he can show you his bowl of cat-food......... Every day

   Wait,,,, If I say something in the woods and my wife is not around to hear it,,, am I still wrong?

   How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?

   And for all of you who are Telepathic...............

   My dentist just told me I have 6 months to live.

   First aid?! You mean Jack Daniels?

   I rated my wife's cooking on urbanspoon.. I sure hope she does not see it.

   Any chair is a high chair if you smoke enough weed.

   Just took a dump without my phone. Where do I collect my Nobel Peace Prize?

   Don't call them hobos. Call them "people with earning disabilities.

   I don't really care what you think of me!! Unless you think I'm awesome. In which case you would be right :)