Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In traffic no one hears you scream.

   This conversation is going nowhere. I thinks it's time I move to the land of Smile and Nod.

   God created pollsters to make astrologers look accurate

   Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I'm assuming it's Monday.

   Getting my car fixed my a stoned mechanic. I know,, I know,, he's high maintenance

   You're exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.

   I don't like morning people...or mornings...or people.

   People make me itch!

   Tomorrow, history will be made. Months and months of advertisements and anticipation has led up to this historic day. America will see firsthand what is surely to be a historic event, and I am proud to say I will do my part and pick up my copy of Halo 4.

   When I don't know the answer, I never say "I don't know", because that will make me seem stupid. Instead I say "I hesitate to factually articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy."

   *alarm*...*snooze*....*alarm*....*snooze*....*alarm*..*checks time*..."Oh sh*t!"

   I respect the person who let women into the Army. Woman on period + gun = unstoppable

   WHen some one says "Hey, can I borrow a pen?", I think *Hmmm, which pen do I not need back?*

   My wife just called me stupid, then said she was going outside to catch some air. Air can neither be seen nor touched, and I'M stupid?

   I tried to commit suicide last night. I won't be trying that again I nearly died.

   FarmVille 2 ... Because you're a sequel wanting twat.

   The world is 4 trillion in debt. Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?

   They say that fat girls try harder. Not in the gym they don't.

   If you think you aren't creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.

   Why can't I get mobile reception in my house, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan?