Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The last person to enter the house's of parliament with honourable initiations was Guy Fawkes!

   If you constantly post pics of you and your partner kissing, I am going to give you all the privacy you need...by deleting your ass.

   Nothing wrong with borrowing a girl's virginity, you just kiss her on the forehead after and she gets it back.

   My phone and my stove are arguing about what time it is. This won't end well.

   No no I like you, just not you can touch my phone like you.

   A slut on Facebook who used to post semi-nude pics of herself has just posted a bible verse. There is hope and redemption for everyone after all.

   You're really good at forgetting that I exist.

   Airport security asked "what's the purpose of your visit?" So I said "to terrorise the ladies!" and we laughed and laughed and I'm being deported.

   My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy. Anyway, he'll treat her better - they worship cows.

   Day 4; I'm Thankful my dad got drunk and did my mom in the back seat of his 64 Dodge Dart...Thanks Pabst Blue Ribbon

   I went too bed at 1:30 2 times last night

   Just listened to a One Direction song and now I'm a 16 year old girl called "Amy"

   Britney Spears is a judge on the X Factor and Khloe Kardashian is a host. Is this a circus or a music competition?

   I respect every woman's decision to undergo plastic surgery to go from being ugly to being ugly and disgusting.

   I spend 90% of my day either eating or thinking about my next meal.

   Bees are the original suicide bombers.

   Justin Bieber is the crocs of the music industry. People claim they hate it but the company is doing really well so some of you must be lying!

   Survival tip: always carry at least one banana peel cause you never know when you'll be chased by some criminal.

   If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling “IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!

   Haven't shaved for so long I'm now the proud owner of a furgina!