Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here's to the kisses that I snatched, and Vice versa. Bottoms up fellas.

   Black chicks stay saying a white chick is "trying to act black." Meanwhile, they have blonde weave and sky blue contacts. Sit down midnight!

   In the apocalyptic movie, 2012, New York was flooded in October.

   Dinner for two at a fancy restaurant $75, A bottle of wine and scented candles $30, Finding out she swallows...Priceless

   I always eat tacos over a tortilla, so when stuff falls out BOOM extra taco.

   There's a first time for everything. Except déjà vu.

   Apparently "To get all this weed delivered" is not an appropriate answer when the cop pulls you over and asks why you were speeding.

   A real woman can raise a child by herself, but a real man would never LET her

   I'll drink enough for both of us because I'm just a caring person.

   If you come to me looking for advice, then let's just start out with your poor judgment of whom to go to for advice, shall we?

   I love being a woman. I can slap anyone on the ass and get away with it.

   I just taught my alarm clock how to fly.

   Let's get married, make babies, argue about money & yell hurtful things at each other while praying for a way out. That's real love baby!

   You call it a train wreck I call her my daughter.

   No I'm not playing with it. - What I have to tell my wife every time I'm in the shower.

   Went on a date and didn't have sex. Now I know what the rest of you feel like.

   "Marijuana is a gateway drug." Yeah, a gateway to fun.

   I love watching all the fish in my tank suck in the same piece of fish shi t and then spitting it out, thinking it was food.

   I'm the type of guy who would block fire exits. Because sometimes Natural selection needs to be nudged along.

   I am the type of guy who will not hesitate to tell a midget to grow up!