Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NYC cancelled the marathon. Well if they are already here instead of running why not see who can clean up the fastest

   It took me 20 years to figure out that pop tarts taste better in the toaster. It was truly a life changing experience.

   thinking..what if I'm sexy and I don't know it?

   On Sunday, don't forget to turn your clocks back an hour. And on Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years...VOTE!!!

   thinks you should take up jogging!! Zombies hate fast food.

   I put the FU in FUN :)

   as I'm getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who's staying on and say,, “You're in charge while I'm gone.”

   I'm thankful I'm a dude and don't have to post that BS every day this month...

   Sooner or later you will see the BIG PICTURE God is painting for your life instead of just the colors He's using at the moment so dont get your panties all up in a knot

   I hate when movies say "May contain nudity." Well does it doesn't it? I don't want to waste my time.

   The moment when someone's zipper is down & you don't know whether to tell, because you can't explain why you were looking that low.

   Texts that piss me off: 1. Yeah 2. Oh 3. Yup 4. Lol 5. Haha 6. K 7. Nope 8. Chillin 9. Naw

   A relationship where you can act like complete idiots together is the sweetest thing ever.

   Saying “Hey, I just met you, and this is Crazy..” is how I used to introduce my ex to new people.

   My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness.

   I feel confident that Laim Neeson would be there for me if I listed him as my emergency contact.

   Age 11: “I whip my hair back & forth!” Age 27: “I drive my kids back & forth!” Age 72: “I rock my chair back & forth!”

   Keep Calm and....and who am I kidding just Kick Ass!

   fee fee fi fee fi fo fum. Mike Tysons cell phone number.

   when people refer to "the world's oldest profession" do they mean gardening?...Genesis refers to a Garden of Eden in the beginning