Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I forgive people immediately, after Karma gets them for me.

   And for my next trick, I am gonna make 20 of my FB friends delete and block me in next 10 hours.

   Marriages are made in heaven by angels who themselves are happy bachelors.

   Day 2: I am thankful for my Dad not pulling out..Thanks Pops

   Just a friendly reminder: There's 51 shopping days before Xmas. Of course according to the Mayans, the world will end in 48 days, so you decide…

   My heart is saying no but my mind is saying yes. Shhhh, quiet down heart. Let's see where this leads.

   Here, let me fix that grin on your face with this shovel.

   I heard there's a new drink bartenders are making, it's called a "Hurricane Sandy", essentially it's just a watered down Manhattan. (too soon?)

   I love you too much to avenge what you did to me.

   You better believe it's true love, if first thing I want to do in morning is kiss you without waiting for you brush your teeth.

   Its not a coincidence that its always the ugly girls who say they dont need a man.

   I need more space in my heart for all this pain!

   Imagination: because if I we did you as much as I thought about it, we'd both be unemployed.

   Women are not complicated at all, except when they expect us to read between the lines.

   You haven't visited my farm on Facebook. Don't you love me anymore? - Crazy Girlfriend

   The first time a woman swallowed my stuff, I was so appreciative that I swallowed her bullshi t for the next two years.

   Everything this man said to me was a lie. Every.. Thing. Except the part about how pretty I was, that was true.

   You look like you would ruin my life. Let's have sex. -women

   I always stuff the bird on Thanksgiving.

   that universal face somebody makes when their thinking "wtf did I just put in my mouth?"