Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey, how about making a normal face when you sing?

   I just read Cubans can travel abroad more easily now. I hope they know they can't use buttons and chicken bones for money here.

   Considering she died three years ago I think Barbara Walters is amazing on "The View."

   Someone from China just won the Nobel Peace Prize? That must be some pretty good fried rice.

   I'm sorry, just because you're my next door neighbor doesn't give you the right to ask me how my day is going. Sod off!

   Single women, you know that dress you're thinking of wearing tonight? The really tight, short one? Throw it out.

   I just found out my cleaning woman was shot by her nephew. And I have no idea where she hides the mop.

   It's time to be concerned about unemployment when attractive people start losing their jobs.

   I wish somebody would come back from heaven and tell us how to pack.

   Scientists predict that at the rate the polar ice caps are melting, Nicole Kidman's face will unfreeze by 2015.

   If I had a daughter I would want the same for her as any parent would want. A sex tape, a reality show and a perfume.

   How will we know when Adele has had the baby?

   If you step out of the car & behave like a complete 2year old then you better have a bumper sticker reading 'Baby on Wheels!!'

   Well I smell my wife cooking dinner. It's times like these when I wish I had a dog.

   Scientists: Red heads are more prone to skin cancer. Rest of the world: No s hit nerd...

   I wonder if Disney is gonna make the Epcot Center look like the Death Star now

   There's nothing more annoying than the sound of someone you don't like eating. Actually scrap that - There's nothing more annoying than the sound of someone eating!

   After taking LSD last night I hallucinated that I was a very well educated giant. And they say taking drugs doesn't make you big or clever.

   After 2 million years in existence, the pinky finger reveals its true purpose: supporting the bottom of our phones.

   Don't get my attitude confused with my personality. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are.