Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Looking forward to seeing what exciting new Star Wars adventures will be cooked up by the dream factory that brought us Mars Needs Moms!

   onions $2.98, wooden sticks $3.50, cellophane $5.00 handing out caramel covered onions for halloween priceless

   Star Wars 7 will be coming out now. I think this is gonna be the one where Pee Wee trys to steal his bike back from Ernest

   if you come to my house for Halloween don't be surprised if you see a couple of scary goblins....I sometimes forget to button my housecoat.

   The reason it's called Mother Nature is because if it were Father Nature the weather would be a lot more predictable

   My Wife says I talk in my sleep which I find it funny because nobody at work has ever mentioned it

   Secret to satisfying women; Under-promise but over-deliver

   Today's World : You Keep your friends close, your enemies closer and your relatives as far away as possible

   I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things

   When you decide to not talk bad about people, it really shortens the conversation

   I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..

   " a fool and his money ----- are never around when you need a loan......"

   When someone says "You just made my day," it makes my day..

   Don't cry, that onion didn't deserve you anyways.

   I am not saying I am Batman..but answer me this have you ever seen me and Batman together ?.....

   ‎"Fungry" The State Of Being Hungry.!

   yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.."

   ave you ever thought about this..."How does your stomach know to send the burps to the mouth and the farts to your bum?....

   I was just told I'm someones BFF. Being the idiot I am, I had to google it. Backup-file Format is a euphemism for something hot right?

   If you want to remove wrinkles, pimples, face marks & the 7 signs of skin-aging, try 'Adobe Photoshop'!