Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All the hookers in NYC named Sandy...their rates just tripled!

   My car is getting pressure washed...So far, Sandy is dandy!

   ■Hangovers: because you had so much fun, you deserve to think about it all day.

   when people say that drinking is not the answer, it makes me wonder if they truly understand the question.

   Attn. Northern People: Yeah, you should stock up on flashlights, but Lite Brites spelling "Were All Gonna Die" is festive and functional.

   One day, I'll twirl a can in confidence. You'll see.

   Really Baileys? Non alcoholic coffee creamers? Is that to recover from the O'Doul's hangover?

   I think stuffed animals have learned their lesson.

   I think I ate to much, I dont mean right now. Just in general.

   Hurricane Tip: If you get stung by a wind flung jellyfish have a friend pee on you, ASAP......

   I'm trying to teach my youngest daughter how to share her toys by watching Sesame Street, Yo Gabba Gabba, and Tony Romo highlights on Sportscenter.

   I prematurely panicked with the hurricane Sandy warnings yesterday and ate my cat....now feeling remorseful.....

   i have a friend who's fat, alcoholic, and transvestite. all he does all day long is eat drink and be Mary

   I just found my soul mate at work. She pulled up a chair to use the water cooler. Now that's MY kinda lazy.

   A quick and easy way to take care of a problem is to light it on fire.

   Heard someone died from eating a meal that wasn't Instagrammed.

   Remember, if we get caught, you are deaf and I speak no English.

   Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.

   Joke's on you skinny people, my iPad fits just fine in my back pocket.

   The smallest compliment from the right person, changes the whole game.