Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My bud just updated his Facebook status: "I love my girlfriend so much. You are my world xxxxx." I wonder why her name's encrypted.

   "Hurricane Sandy roars up the east coast generating 80mph winds and substantial precipitation." Big deal. Want to impress me? Stand directly in front of my GF after I come home drunk from the bar at 3am for more then 5 minutes.

   The only way to be the best husband or boyfriend in the world is by listening and not talking.

   I want my 15 mins of fame to happen in the bedroom.

   There is nothing a drunk me and some bullets can't fix.

   Woman, us men salute you. Your ability to take a load in the eye and up the nose when we miss your mouth, like a champ, is recognised

   Hey Bill, do you talk to your wife during sex..."Only if there is a phone handy!!"

   The Mother Of All storms (Frankenstorm) is heading toward New York City... Trump better get out the hairspray.

   I went to the store today to stock up on bread, beer, and Captain Morgan just in case Hurricane Sandy decides to double back to NC..... Always good to be prepared...

   A salesman knocks on the door of a home, and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a burning cigar in one hand and half a bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Is your mom or dad home? " The boys says , "Does it look like it?"

   Flooding, check... Earthquake, check... Hurricane, check,,,, Locusts..where are my damn locusts?......... That's it,, I'm calling the exec. producer

   At the movies now... Frankenweenie, Fun Size, and Here Comes the Boom. Sounds like a typical weekend in college.

   Looks like Hurricane Sandy got tired of Jersey Shore as well.

   Pfft, you are seeking advice from a fortune cookies. Go ahead and listen to your cookies if you want, everybody knows the real advice comes from the Taco Bell Sauce packs.

   To all the faatt h oezss that only take pics from the neck up .... good try but I'm a master a detecting hippos

   OMG! MY ROOM IS SO DIRTY!! Oh nevermind, I found febreeze.

   Trying to get my mom in the Bronx,, to call the hurricane and talk at it until it just gives up and leaves.

   Whole Foods sells $10 gift cards... The perfect gift for a loved one who wants two onions.

   The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.

   This year for Halloween I'm handing out Chocolate & Caramel covered Onions. Halloween is fun.