Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I call you cupcake it's because I'm probably going to put my vanilla frosting on your forehead.

   My girlfriend stripped teased for me last night. Well, she's not really my girlfriend, and I had to pay a cover charge.

   Raise your right hand if you were home schooled. No, your other right hand.

   Watching post Halloween walks of shame is the best.

   I'm 94% sure I'm going to die in a running in flip flops incident.

   I put the 'extra vag' in extravaganza

   Felt kinda weird to tell my old School bus dricer that she's too old for me now.

   Having mutual friends with someone does not mean you should add them on Facebook. It's like a stranger knocking on your door and saying, "Hey we both know Mike, John, and Sara. You mind if I come in?"

   The Steelers must have partied hard last night...They're still wearing their Halloween costumes! ツ

   Bands will make her dance, Food Stamps will make her twerk. But if Romne why becomes president, yall hos will have to work.

   If she really loves her cat, then that's who's making the most important decisions in her life.

   Sorry I haven't been around much guys. Been out having sex and doing things. Minus the sex and things

   I'm knee deep in pu$$y. Seriously, my 19 cats love the hell outta me.

   Every woman thinks she's fat except the ones that are.

   So drunk I am eating spaghetti with a comb.

   Just saw a homeless man with a blue tooth. It was his only tooth.

   I'm not full of hate. There's still room for a little more.

   Give me Cunnilingus or give me death.

   I want to be the reason your pants tighten.

   Just saw a laundry soap advertisement showing how it can even remove dried up blood stains off of clothing. If you're clothing is covered in dried blood, I'm thinking that's not your biggest problem.