Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The most popular costume tonight is "girl that won't talk to me."

   I don't want perfect, I want honesty.

   Behind every successful man is a woman, and behind her is me checking out her ass.

   Before you start telling people lies, make sure they don't already know the truth. Lest you make a fool of yourself.

   procuring stones to cast at thou.

   My hurricane tip of the day: if you live in the Northeast, OMG HURRICANE COMING PANIC......

   Flush twice. Key West needs water.

   if you're absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present during my success.

   My biggest fear of Hurricane Sandy is that i'll lose power and can't Facebook.

   Bruno Mars looks like a nice lesbian. I think he and Justin Bieber would make a cute interr@cial couple.

   I dont ask much of my women, just call me Daddy and do everything I say.

   Angry drunks have everyone's phone number.

   Face down, ass up, skip yoga, chase the icecream truck.

   One of the office girls just told me she does yoga. I innocently said yoga is more of a spectator sport for me. Off to HR again…

   Tell me everything but dont use words.

   Sometimes I wonder if my mind is an amusement park for demons.

   Does it count as saving someone's life if you just refrain from killing them?

   Kind people without hidden agendas rock my world.

   going to the toilet solely to masturbate called a number 3?

   I hate those see through elevators because that's my damn time to pick my nose in private.