Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Crotchless panties because how else would we grip our broomstick?

   When will companies understand their packaging is being opened by human beings not robots?

   If you don't like something shoot it; if you can't shoot it, think about it while you're shooting something else.

   My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, and they're like "It wasn't that hard"

   In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.

   If she's dead on the inside does it still count as necrophilia?

   Don't ask me stupid questions and I won't hurt your stupid feelings.

   Bite marks and bruises, or it didn't happen...

   It's not you. It's me. Actually, that's not true. It's someone else.

   Leon: Mathilda, nothing's the same after you've killed someone. Your life is changed forever. You have to sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life..

   it's only perverted if she says no...

   hopes the Halloween candy will last until Halloween.

   I'm using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It's really coo... Hey! What are you doing? That's my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...

   I'm trying to write a poem for my girlfriend, does anyone know what rhymes with threesome?

   Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

   “I make it rain on them hoes.” - Clouds

   The ladder to success sure does have a lot of p enises on it.

   Secret to satisfying women; Under-promise but over-deliver!

   My wife gets a bit irritated when I talk about my second and third marriage because, you know, she's my first.

   Ladies; loving your husband comes down to 2 simple points. 1. Accept his flaws. 2. Point them out when losing any argument.