Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Call a Random Phone Number and say "They didn't make the drop Kill him" them hang up. Project Mayhem.

   Damn you're hot, but I've met fuzzy toilet seat covers more interesting than you.

   My daddy issues are now old enough to vote.

   I call my bedroom 'the place where the magic happens' because it's where I make my self-respect disappear.

   I'm more confused than Ricky Martin's kids on mother's day.

   Maybe if I looked like Tobey Maguire people would feel sorry for me....

   decided...husbands are a lot like jack o' lanterns!! Perfect once you cut their heads open and scoop out all the crap!! Happy Halloween :)

   I just dropped my bong and it broke :, ( life is cruel!!

   I am having debate withdrawal....So I'm heading to 7-11 now to spar with clerk about gas prices and Iranian sanctions.

   A ghost could be humping you right now and you would never know.

   If intelligent people don't start procreating faster than the trash in “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” we're all heading towards a very dismal future. Am I the only one seeing this?

   If the stories are true, some guy in my gym could be the next Tour de France winner!

   Destroying my chances at getting elected to public office on Facebook post at a time.

   If you never whined and begged your mom for a quarter to put in the trinket machine in the front of the grocery store and then ended up chasing a bouncy ball down isle 9 and knocking over a pyramid of potted meat then your childhood probably sucked.

   People with a sense of humor are so much easier to talk to and get along with.

   Dreamt I went to the gym so, I'm counting that as a workout.

   brought to you today...by the neighbor's router

   Can I add you on Facebook ? Cos I would like to Poke you

   I like to go to Best Buy and drink a cup of coffee in front of the Geek Squad guys then hand them my empty cup and tell them I successfully installed Java....they hate me

   Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they're not looking