Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At the end of each day I ask myself, "Where's my damn Oscar for that?"

   Co-worker keeps asking me what's wrong so I told her I'm irritated because some idiot won't quit asking me what's wrong.

   Just accepted a job offer while taking a poop. Congratulations, you hired one hell of a multi tasker.

   If you attack me you better kill me......because I've never been in a fight and will probably sue.

   I may forgive, but rarely forget. Ok, sometimes the details get hazy but otherwise I'm like a skinny elephant with some serious suspicions.

   A girl picking up the phone in the middle of sex is a free pass to get weird.

   Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net a years supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.

   I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.

   You know when you are about to say something, but that little voice of reason prevents you from it? Explain this to me, people like you fascinate me.

   Intelligence is like underwear. It's important that you have it but there's no need to show it off.

   Had a most interesting conversation this weekend with Jet Li and Conan O'Brian during a private flight back from Morocco about how pathetic it is when average people get on Facebook & pretend that their lives are far more exciting than they actually are.

   dreamed I fell asleep at work and it freaked me out when I woke up there.

   No, my friend, you may not borrow a condom because the word borrow implies that you plan to return it.

   Umm, when someone posts that they're having a bad day, I don't think it's proper Facebook etiquette to "like" their status.

   wishes that I could afford to buy each and every one of you a very expensive gift. Of course, I wouldn't, but I wish I could afford to.

   I met a girl in the pub last night and we ended up back at my place. I didn't have a clue what I was getting myself into. So I politely asked her to shave it.

   A study has shown that 40% of men over 40 suffer erectile dysfunction. Looking at 40% of women over 40, I'm not surprised.

   if I could describe myself with just one word, it would be "bad with directions..."

   that was good I walked into walmart and walkout pissed off and a headache in under 2 mins. is it wrong to want to flip off the golden girl at the front door when she says have a nice day

   You know you have an awesome bra... when you can do the entire 'Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes' song.... with just a slight adjustment of the shoulder straps!