Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So Apple makes the iphone larger, the ipad smaller (ipad mini) why not just switch names on them and call it a day?

   Life is better after having sex. Or when you know you're about to have sex. Or when you know someone is dying to have sex with you.

   I see you Monday and I ain't Scared !

   I'm sorry. I didn't hear a word you said because you are an adult with braces.

   Boy: Do you like parties? Girl: Yes, why? Boy: Well then jump in my pants and have a ball!

   A real man is a woman's best friend. He'll never let her down. He'll comfort her after a bad day. He'll inspire her to do things she never thought she could.He'll enable her to express her deepest emotions.He'll enable her to be confident $

   A man's a woman's best friend.He'll never let her down,comfort her after a bad day,inspire her to do what she never thought she could.He'll enable her to express her deepest emotions, & enable her to be confident & sexy. Wait it's wine that does that, n

   If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don't vampires s*ck co*k? Oh wait, Twilight.

   I've never been in love... But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.... :D

   Turn the time release off on my morphine drip so I know your love is real.

   I can bench press three times my body weight in dead hooker.

   Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead, and then I remember I'm thinking about you.

   I think one of my socks is pregnant :/

   The two greatest feelings in the world are the birth of a child and peace of mind of not having any kids.

   finally as many Tour De France titles has Lance Armstrong!

   I have a really sexy body and you can have your way with it if you help me bury it afterwards.

   I heard Amish black dudes have the biggest beards.

   I really miss childhood. You know, sometimes I pee on my bed just to remember what it's like.

   I consider myself a hopeless romantic because I only fall in love with women who are out of my league.

   The way I bend the rules should qualify as yoga.