Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know that every 60 seconds,,, Somewhere in Africa,,,, a minute passes.

   I bought some of that new emo lawn seed the other day... Yeah, It was a little more expensive,,, but the grass cuts itself.

   Guys, if she kicks your a$$ at pool and darts, she's probably not the marrying kind...

   ♫ I'm tasty and I know it! Sizzle sizzle sizzle sizzle!♫ - Bacon.

   Before you judge Mitt Romney, try walking a mile in his backyard.

   Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger... at least one of them anyway.

   Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate's face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.

   Listening intently... Listening intently... Listening intently... "... and then my boyfriend..." Dead to me.

   Fellas, be with a woman who doesn't mind getting her hands and face all messy while eating chicken... trust me on this one

   The difference between "I do" and "Do me" is the happily ever after part.

   The problem with most women is that they wont have sex with me.

   For months I thought this guy at the grow shop was retarded but today I found out he's only from Australia.

   Chicks can only stay at their boyfriend's place for about 3 days, then they finally need to go home and use the toilet.

   I hate it when you've been waiting three days for your dealer to ring back and then all of a sudden it's only been three minutes.

   Maybe instead of running your mouth you should try jogging a few miles to sweat that hatred out.

   Masturbation is like math. You can always count on your fingers.

   I try to avoid nice people so they can stay that way.

   Nothing says I love you like letting your spouse use all the hot water first.

   I don't want to sound ignorant but if I can't understand something... then it's stupid and I hate it.

   The words "Haters" and "Swag" are overused by the people who have neither