Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Big Tex burns up at Texas State Fair.... you've got the be careful cooking up all of that fried food they have there....

   With a great pair of legs comes great irresponsibility.

   You seem insecure. Let's go out for drinks.

   You know it was a good night when the hotel room looks like a crime scene the next morning.

   wishes she had some nuts right now :)

   You know you were drunk last night when you cooked pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

   How do I get my android to stop taking pictures of my crotch everytime I achieve arousal?

   I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 18 minutes

   Damn! It's finally beer thirty! See you f uckers Monday!!

   at my age, my pecker is starting to look like a baby buzzard hanging out his nest

   "How fortunate for governments that the people they administer do not think" - Adolf Hitler

   I made this diet where I had to abstain from fast food and alcohol. After only 2 weeks I've lost 14 days.

   Before I got married I had six theories about parenting. Now I have six kids and no theory.

   When a politician says, we're all sitting in the same boat, it means he wants to play captain and we shall rowe.

   "If you take a look at all the previous US Presidents, what could I do worse" - Frank Zappa

   Adulthood is just piles of bills and trying to convince your exes how amazing you're life is

   when you're in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think "they're killing my family, and I'll have to fight the attacker naked.."

   Katy Perry: Blue hair. Nicki Minaj: Pink hair. Rihanna: Red hair. Lady Gaga: Green hair. OMG, the POWER RANGERS are back

   9.LIKE if you think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate

   Adulthood is just piles of bills and trying to convince your exes how amazing you're life is.