Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One day when someone rings my doorbell I'm gonna stand by the window with a straight face and just stare at them to see what they would do

   I always thought saying "What crawled up your butt and died" was funny... until the day I met a man with a story about a weasel.

   Sometimes I think I should take the bus instead of drive because there aren't usually 11 hot Mexican chicks in my car... not usually

   There's "hell" in hello and there's "good" in goodbye... I don't know what that means... but think about it.

   The magic of Facebook... you can poke each other all day long... and no one has to lay in the wet spot.

   Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.

   The Dentist is the only certified man who can say to a woman: "Lay down... relax... open your mouth... say ahh... and spit."

   You had me at "I bet I can fit that whole thing in my mouth."

   I'll admit. Asians are so bad at driving I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.

   "It's impossible." said pride. "It's risky." said experience. "It's pointless." said reason. "Give it a try." whispered the heart........ "WHAT DA HELL WAS THAT?!?!?!" shouted the anus two minutes later.

   My p3nis is just like an Elephants Trunk.... It's not big... I can just pick peanuts up with it

   “According to greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.”

   When I was young, I wanted to date a doctor for money. How superficial was that? Now it would be for the prescriptions.

   It's normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.

   I promise, I'm only gonna have 2 beers tonight.... 2 beers in dog beers

   Boss: what the hell is wrong with you? Me: one time I listened to a Bruno Mars song.

   Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today.

   NY Yankees salary.$195,998,004 Detroit Tigers salary. $119,276,000...... Saving $76,000,000 and still sweeping the Yankees....Priceless!!!

   If Obama really wanted to impress me... he'd somehow combine Missouri & Oregon to make a "Show me your beaver" state.

   If by squirter you mean I pee when I laugh sometimes, then yeah I'm a squirter.